Winding down.

So, we’re back at the vet’s today. The visit being a follow up visit to Tuesday’s visit.

The specter of going to the vet now takes on foreboding proportions because I’m not sure if the vet will say it’s time to put Anna down. I’m dreading it but I know it is soon to come. Sometimes, I can be entirely normal about the world around me and other times I can find myself crying like a baby, just being entirely consumed by sadness over her loss of my little companion.

For her part, Anna wanders around the house. She sleeps but then that’s what cats do anyway. She walks gingerly, frailly, unsure of her own steps and very uncatlike. But she does manage to make her way around the house and still manages to get up onto some of her favorite spots to lounge about.

This morning I came upstairs and immediately went over to her in the bathroom (she’s confined at night for her own good as I have images of her falling down the stairs) and began to stroke her. She was genuinely happy and purred away lavishing in the attention. She had a nice breakfast and even though she isn’t drinking as much as I would like her too she has some appetite. Now she gets wet food twice a day because there really isn’t a need to worry about her overeating especially since she lost so much weight.

But there are times when her little mouth begins to shudder and she seems stricken by a wave of tremors causing her lower jaw to vibrate like an old person’s. It’s hard to watch.

Still as I was getting ready to take her over to the vet, she followed me all around the house in a surprising burst of energy (considering her weakened state). It was almost as if she knew what was on the agenda and wanted to make sure I knew she wasn’t ready to check out quite yet.

Still watching her and then thinking about the inevitable is overwhelming to say the least.

So, we made our way down to the vet’s and I actually wondered if this would be ‘IT.’ Would this be the last morning I had with her? What would the doctor say?

And it turned out she had gained a little weight but she was still dehydrated and needed more fluids. So she got poked and then we came home and she wandered around the house taking naps in various special spots.

Here it is beautiful outside, I mean the weather is just gorgeous and I find I can’t bring myself to leave her.

There’s lots to do and there was a lot scheduled for today but, in the end I wound up feeding her with an eyedropper and making sure she was comfortable. I’m just trying to get water into her anyway I can and the eyedropper seems the least intrusive way even though I can tell it is probably giving her gas as I can hear her stomach gurgling away but she seems to be parched.

Tonight I popped out just to get some dinner and while I was out I even managed to get her a little treat.

In the past, one of the great joys we shared was me putting a dollop of whip cream on a finger and she would stand up and greedily lick it off, delighting in the flavor. I know on some level it wasn’t the best thing but boy how she enjoyed it and once in awhile didn’t hurt.

Tonight when I got home I cracked open the whip cream and sprayed a bunch into a spoon for her. She only took some half hearted attempts at eating it and even then she was stricken with a good case of the shakes again.

So, I know it won’t be long.

But, I am trying to make sure it’s nice and like I said there are moments when I am fine and other moments when I am reduced to a blubbering mass of tears and sniffles.

It’s supposed to be a busy weekend and I’ll be spending the next few days away from the house, I can only hope she’ll be alright and not too lonely while I’m gone. When the time comes I don’t want her to be alone.